did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
