it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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