Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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