I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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