So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
