It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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