I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
