did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You need Xanax blowdarts
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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