happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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