If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
