Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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