tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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