i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
