On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We named our party play list daddy issues
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
