I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
