so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
