she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
