We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
