During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
