Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
