Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
