Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize