just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
