our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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