So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
