Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
