we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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