this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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