My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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