Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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