Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
