I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
