i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize