If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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