I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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