If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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