Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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