is your mom at the bar?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize