I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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