Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
