ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think i got beer on your cat.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
