If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you would pick up someone in the library
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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