Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
