what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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