every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
