i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
