that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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