there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
