You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
