the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
