Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
