I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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