God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
