Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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