So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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