remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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