'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
