Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
