My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
