i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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