I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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